How to Defuse an Argument

from wikiHow

There is one thing that the majority of us are guilty of, however mild-mannered we are! At some point, most of us have been involved in a flaming row over something or other, and which in retrospect was about something rather unimportant. So, what can we do to defuse an argument, and cool down the anger or frustration in a tense situation? Most importantly, do everything you can to try to avoid the argument in the first place - since most arguments usually don't accomplish anything, and at the end, both parties usually walk away not only upset or angry, but also more convinced of their original point. If an argument is unavoidable however, here are a few simple steps to help!

Steps

1. Try to calm down. Take a deep breath. Count to 10, or 100, if it helps.
   
2. Agree. The quickest way to end any argument is just to simply agree with the other person. If you agree with them, there's no longer any reason to argue and it's over. Even if you don't really agree, just saying so will end most arguments. While this really is lying in its worse fashion, it is at the least, an option.
   
3. Be considerate of the other person. Listen to what the other person is saying, genuinely try to understand their point of view, and do not interrupt them while they are speaking.
   
4. Think before you speak, and consider whether it is something you might regret having said tomorrow! Don't say something stupid or mean just because you are angry and upset.
   
5. Let the other person know that you consider what they say to be important, and that you will treat them with respect whether or not you agree or disagree with them.
   
6. Do not scream at the other person, or speak abusively. Be kind even while you differ, and be willing to be reconciled to them (whether or not you reach an agreement in your argument).
   
7. Remember, the most important thing is not always the specific outcome of the argument, but rather the impact the argument has on your relationship with the other person. It may sometimes be better to forgo the outcome you want, let the other person win and keep the quality of friendship in your relationship.
   
8. Apologize if you have done anything wrong (even if it was only a bad attitude). The other person will be more motivated to apologize if you do.
   
9. If you have done all this and have failed to defuse the argument, walk away for the time being and allow the other person (and yourself) to cool off. The next day, when they have had time to think about the situation , they may change their mind and decide to make up with you!
   
10. If all this doesn't work, however, recognize that some people will not be reasonable or want to make up with you, no matter what you do. In such a case, just drop the matter and go on with your life. It's not important.
    
11. If its an arguement with a friend / family member, Try to tell them to truth,
    

In a high tone. If they dont listen, Just get the hell out of there and wait it out.

Tips

• Try to understand the other person's viewpoint, and think before you speak.
  
• Speaking thoughtlessly can really hurt a person, even if that was not your intention. Speaking reasonably and sensibly, on the other hand, can help the other person to calm down too.
  
• Using the following phrase will stop any person who is arguing with you in their tracks, say it exactly as it is written: "I understand your opinion, and if I were in your place, I would probably feel the same way you do."
  

Warnings

• Some people may just want to pick a fight with someone, or engage in an argument. Recognize when this is the case, and walk away.
  
• Don't be judgemental when engaging in a discussion with someone. Be open-minded and willing to change if necessary.
  
• Don't belittle the other person, or ridicule what they say. Mockery isn't constructive, as they will simply resort to using the same kind of verbal weapons against you!
  
• Don't ever say "Oh, but you are perfect."
  

Things You'll Need

• A cool temper, or something to cool it with (i.e. deep breaths, counting, etc)
  
• A brain
  
• Tact
  
• Love (or some other motive)
  

How to Stay out of an Argument

from wikiHow

From kids to spouses to co-workers, people can and do get angry or upset. Once an argument begins, rarely does anything get accomplished besides both of you becoming more angry. Wouldn't it be great to just stay out of an argument right from the start?

Steps

1. Ask yourself these 4 questions: Is the matter important enough to warrant an argument? Is it appropriate to argue about the matter, or at this time? Can anything be changed, made different by prevailing in the argument? Is the issue worth arguing about? If you get a NO answer to any of these questions, there is no point in arguing. Sometimes realizing there is no benefit to arguing is enough to eliminate the temptation to argue. (A mnemonic for this is "I AM Worth it.")
   
2. If you often argue with a person, plan and practice staying calm. Plan a short conversation, with a specified stopping time. You don't need to tell the other person. Plan to enjoy a reward if you make it through your conversation without falling into an argument. Plan a (mild) punishment if you don't. Go into the conversation focused on your goal of maintaining your composure. Whenever any difficulties arise, remind yourself of your goal and the punishment if you fail to meet your target. Give yourself permission to withdraw early if you feel heat.
   
3. Learn to recognize when a discussion is no longer a discussion, but is escalating to an argument: Raised voices, flushed face or neck, hairs on the back of your neck stand up, feeling defensive. A good mutual discussion involves both sides listening and attempting to understand each other.
   
4. Identify your "buttons". These are the things that typically set you off: someone saying "I hate you!", swear words, slamming doors, obscene gestures, attacking your beliefs, someone rolling their eyes at you, etc.
   
5. Know that others know where to find your buttons. If they really want to win an argument, they'll push 'em, too. When you recognize someone approaching your buttons, think to yourself, "Ah-hah! This is becoming an argument!"
   
6. Say these words in the calmest tone of voice you can muster: "I love", "I care about", or "I respect" you too much to argue with you." If you can, add: "I'll be glad to talk with you when we can both be calm."
   
7. Prepare yourself for weird looks (the same ones they usually give you behind your back) and another attempt to keep the arguing going... like "That's not true!" or "Well, I don't love you."
   
8. Repeat step 4.
   
9. Try not to listen too much to the content of what they're saying back to you. Remember, they're TRYING to push your buttons. They may even say something like "You're so stupid you can only come up with that to say."
   
10. Continue repeating step 4 until the other person walks away or shuts up.
    
11. If warranted, when both of you ARE calm, ask if this is a good time to finish your discussion.

Tips

• It takes two or more to argue. By politely refusing to argue, you stay out of it.
  
• Be prepared to repeat step 4 again and again whenever it becomes necessary. Before long, people won't even try to argue with you, or push your buttons.
  
• Be adult enough to apologize when necessary.
  
• You may choose other phrases to use, like "You know, I really don't want to argue with you. Let's discuss it later when we've calmed down." or simply, "Not gonna' argue with you."
  
• In order for this to work, you MUST remain calm, cool and collected.
  
• Determine some activities you'll do to help you to remain calm: yoga, going for walks, listening to music, praying, etc.
  
• You've heard the addage, "project what you expect." Well, when we remain calm and refuse to argue, we're showing others how to do the same thing, preventing future arguments from even beginning.

Warnings

• DON'T use this to squelch all conversation. If a topic needs discussion, do it. You might initiate the conversation this way: "I could see we weren't accomplishing much earlier. Is this a good time to finish our discussion?"
  
• Don't respond to the content of their remarks. The less you say, the less likely you are to get drawn into an argument.
  
• If you become angry, know that you won't be able to think calmly, and you'll probably say or do something you might regret. Words, once spoken, can never be taken back. You might sincerely apologize, but it doesn't erase the memory. Think before you speak.
  
• DON'T laugh. When you see this working, you may be tempted to smile or laugh at the excitement of finally finding something that works. Don't do it. This'll just irritate the person and make it worse. Wait until you're alone, then enjoy the moment.
  

Things You'll Need

• Your wits.
  
• A calm demeanor.
  
• A willingness to do the right thing.
  

How to Always Win an Argument

from wikiHow

Want to get your way? Read on and you'll learn how to win every argument you enter.

Steps

1. The First, and most important point is to attempt to pick the strongest side of the argument. Having the strength of advocacy on your side is by far the easiest way to win an argument. While most arguments have an easily identifiable winner and loser, some arguments are not so clear. Try to identify these arguments and either stay away, or be very careful about getting into it.
   
2. Think about the possible arguments for and against your side, and the opposite side. If there is any major weakness in your argument, you must fill it before coming to a confrontation with the opposition, or risk losing the argument. Also try to take each argument to its logical conclusion, and identify any major pitfalls your opponent can step into. A gentle nudge here and there to get them to make some sort of statement that allows you to close the beartrap is psychologically damaging and can win an argument on the spot.
   
3. When in the argument, keep calm, and present your side of the argument in a logical manner. When the opposite side brings up a point, always counter this point with something relevant supporting you.
   
4. Always take full advantage of any illogicality or fallacy in your opponent's argument. Return any illogical points with as many relevant logical facts as possible, to completely quash their point. If this is not possible, take their point and use it in your favor logically. (e.g, when males grow their hair long in western society, 'its not natural' is a common argument for those opposed to it. However, it is more natural than cutting it as hair grows when it is left. Long hair, by using their argument against them, is completely natural for both genders.)
   
5. If you point out a mistake that your opponent made, and declare it a logical fallacy, don't under any circumstances make the same mistake. Your opponent gets a free pass because he or she didn't know it was a mistake, you on the other hand are guilty of knowing what's right and what's wrong. It's a quick way to assasinate your own Ethos.
   
6. It's always possible to lose an argument, these tips will greatly reduce the chance of losing. However, arguments do sometimes come to standoffs, where no side is stronger than the other and nobody wins or loses. when this happens, learn to leave the argument as nothing can be gained by continuing to confront your opponent. When this happens, don't lose control or get desperate.
   

Tips

• Religion is not a valid basis for views in a confrontation. Remember: The devil himself could quote the bible for his own purposes.
  
• Don't make the mistake of trying to use logical tactics to argue an opinion, a theory, or something that has no basic in logic. For example, "Men are superior to women" is an opinion; "superior" is a subjective judgment.
  
• Similarly, it is counterproductive to try to argue about emotions ("You shouldn't feel that way"). Trying to talk people out of their feelings isn't logical; it's controlling and insensitive.
  
• If you can't shake the wish to argue something that is just your opinion, ask yourself why. Remember you can choose to keep your opinion to yourself, or take positive action towards a social or political cause, rather than merely talking yourself blue in the face. Don't draw everyone you know into endless debates over your pet theory in the hopes that they will deliver a logical fallacy for you to knock down. This is in itself a complex form of the "straw man" fallacy. Besides, if you go around arguing all the time, people will avoid you and there will be no one left to argue with.
  
• Using 'childish' tactics, such as shouting "Shut Up," will only decrease the credibility of your argument. This will certainly detriment your cause.
  
• Keep control of yourself. Appear calm, even in a heated argument. Don't use harsh language, or succumb to your anger. This will muddle your thinking and hinder your argument.
  
• Make sure to let the opposite party finish their sentences, and let them know you are listening to what they are saying. When you are talking and your opponent tries to interject, try to finish your point without raising your voice or speaking faster (and definitely don't stop speaking to let your opponent talk!). If they don't stop talking and try to make their point right through your speech, point out that you had the courtesy to let them finish their sentences, and that you wish to be treated the same way. You will obviously appear to be the more polite and mature party, and that often helps winning your arguments.
  
• If you succeed in making the other person angry, it doesn't mean you've won the argument.
  
• Think constantly. By not thinking something through entirely before you say or do it often jeopardizes your argument. Do not do anything in the absence of thought.
  
• Never use the word "should." It denotes a subjective obligation.
  

Warnings

• This approach may annoy those who cannot stand to lose, and they often become violent.
  
• Never lose control of yourself.
  
• This is often very difficult for many people. Don't try it if you'll break down halfway through.
  
• Pick your battles wisely!
  
• If there is no-one there to judge the argument, or declare a winner, don't hold on to hope the other guy may see your view. Move on after the argument is made, you can go back later and review the argument and decide whether you won or lost, and modify from there.
  

How to Have a Good Argument

from wikiHow

The "Are not" "Am too" "Are not" "Am too" is a type of argument that no one wants go get into. Here's how to state your views while being collected and reasonable.

Steps

1. Don't lose your temper; stay calm.
   
2. Express that you are willing to listen to the other person and respect them.
   
3. Be reasonable, state your reasons with examples from before (if you're arguing about who should do what, or what someone is like etc.).
   

Tips

• Don't let it last too long, the argument degrades if it's held out.
  
• Don't swear, this lets the other person know you are going to be unreasonable.
  
• Keep your voice at a normal volume, and insist that the other person does the same. If they become too loud, say something like, "Please speak to me in a lower volume...we can't continue this discussion if you keep yelling at me."
  
• Allow each person to speak and make their point. If you are interrupted, you can say "Excuse me...you had your chance to speak and I listened to you. I'm asking that you show me the same courtesy." Or "You asked me a question, and I'm trying to answer it but you keep interrupting me."
  
• Set healthy boundaries. If the person with whom you are arguing is angry, obnoxious or verbally abusive, should you really be interacting with them? It may be better to walk away.
  
• If the argument is with a clerk, salesperson, etc. ask to speak with their supervisor. If a supervisor isn't immediately available, get a phone number.
  

Warnings

• Don't argue with people who are angry enough to hurt you.
  

How to Argue

from wikiHow

"An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition." - Monty Python on ArgumentsIt can be difficult for people to get their point across without hurting one another in the process. Below are some tips for effectively resolving a problem.
==

1. Stop thinking about what you are going to say next. This is not effective, as it distracts you from listening to the points the other person is trying to make.
   
2. Listen to what the other person has to say. Try not to become angry, just listen quietly until it is your turn to speak. Do not try to cut off the other person or interrupt.
   
3. When it is your turn to speak, use your words to convey your feelings, not your tone. Say things like, "When you say that, I feel _____", or, "It hurts me when you _____". This makes the other person feel like they are not at fault, and they don't have to become defensive. If you said to them, "I hate it when you _______", it makes them feel like they have to defend themselves and both of you end up getting more angry and farther from a resolution.
   
4. Try to choose your words carefully. Remember that you are trying to express to another person what it is that you are thinking and feeling. You have to convey that with your words.
   
5. Respect what the other person has to say. If you do not like it, that doesn't matter. That is their opinion and you should respect it, whether you agree or not.
   
6. Keep the dialogue going, with each person taking turns speaking and saying what they feel and think in the way described above. You will both eventually understand what the other is trying to say, and you will both see a clearer picture of the other's feelings.
   

Tips

• Sometimes one of you may need a few minutes alone to absorb what has been said. That is okay. If the other person asks for a few minutes alone, you should respect that and agree upon a time to continue the conversation. If you need a few minutes, you should be granted the same respect.
  

Warnings

• Sometimes it is best not to argue about politics or religion unless you are very close to the other person, and you know that they will respect your opinion. Most people cannot agree on these topics.
  
• It can be hard to share your thoughts and opinions with someone who won't let you get a word in edgeways.
  

How to Form an Opinion

from wikiHow

Most of us enter a number of discussions each day where ideas are floated around, topics are debated, and controversial issues are discussed. To have a solid basis for your opinion on these issues and topics, you should know how to form an opinion on the subject, and here are a few steps which may help.

Steps

1. Choose the subject, or issue you feel the need to have an opinion about. This may be anything from whether to fish live baits or artificial lures, the best basketball team, or which religion (or none) you will follow. Opinions come in many levels of importance.
   
2. Look at the process of forming an opinion as an internal argument with yourself, a mental debate, so to speak. This means looking at all sides of the issue, pro and con.
   
3. Learn about the subject. You may be satisfied to read only one article at an online website, or you may research for hours, but until you understand all of the sides of this hypothetical argument, your opinion should not become a conviction.
   
4. Talk to other people, get their opinions on the subject, and weigh the reasons they feel like they do. Be careful not to get a one sided view. If you want to form an opinion about a topic like college football teams, don't ask just alumni from one school.
   
5. Listen to discussions, debates, and even arguments. Opinions on topics of social significance generate public debate everywhere you go, from the editorial pages of newspapers, to national television news, and many points in between.
   
6. Find out what recognised experts and professionals have to say about the subject. The man on the street does not always have access to all the pertinent information on issues like homeland security, the stock market, or major health issues. The man on the street will usually have an opinion, though, if he is aware of the issue.
   
7. Talk about the issue or subject with your friends. Friends often share your view about many social, or local issues, and if they have formed a solid opinion, they may have reasons for what they believe which will help you form your own.
   
8. Learn to throw out sensationalized or motive generated stories on the subject. If you only read the headlines on an issue, especially in a biased media element, you will be led into thinking the way that media element wants you to think. Often, headlines are worded in such a way to grag attention, and only in the fine print will you find any reasoned, substantially accurate information on the topic.
   
9. Ask yourself if what you hear or read is reasonable, logical, and realistic. If someone says, in their opinion, a certain stock will triple in value in a short time, you may obviously question their opinion. Often, this "shading" of facts is much more subtle, so educating yourself is the best foundation for forming a coherent view of the topic.
   
10. Decide what your opinion is on a subject, be willing to state it, defend it, and stand by it, but have an open mind unless you are thoroughly convinced and willing to argue your point of view.
    
11. Keep your opinion to yourself until you reach the point described above, unless you are asked for it, or choose to reveal it in friendly discussion.
    

Tips

• Because the range of opinions run from life or death, to mundane and insignificant, how much time you spend should correspond to the importance of the topic.
  
• Do not let a patently biased source be the sole source of information about the topic you are pondering. Look for facts, not ideas fronted as facts.
  
• Never let what you want to believe steer your search for information on the topic you are forming your opinion on. Almost every basketball fan in Los Angeles has the opinion the Lakers will be unbeatable next year.
  

Warnings

• Some people are less than reasonable in discussing opinions on subjects like abortion, religion, and politics.
  
• Never go to Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and share a negative opinion of the Crimson Tide, or Bear Bryant.
  
• Never close your mind on a subject if evidence emerges that contradicts what you believe.
  
• Be polite when talking to in-laws and out-laws, you never know who's feelings may be hurt, or how your words and opinion alone can kill relationships.
  
• When talking about controversial subjects such as abortion, religion, and politics realize that there are many different paths to the same conclusion. In addition, if you feel strongly, state that you do not agree with the other party and take a break from that topic for a while. Chances are, you can come to an agreement based off of factual evidence (e.g. the bible, or similar standard of belief). Finally, also be open to involving a third party to the discussion.
  

Things You'll Need

• An open mind.
  
• Willingness to listen, read, and dig for the truth.
  
• Resources for research, the library, the internet, or publications covering your topic.

How to Think Ahead

from wikiHow

No one can see the future, yet we all must make guesses about it in order to make decisions and be better prepared for what comes our way. The guesses that we make aren't based on seeing the future, but on our knowledge and past experiences, with a little bit of insight mixed in. Here's how you can get better at thinking ahead.

Steps

1. Determine what you want to plan or prepare for. The future is a big place with many eventualities, but chances are that you want to address a specific situation, problem, or opportunity. Define this end to the best of your abilities.
   
2. Use your intuition. Not all decisions are rational or carefully analyzed, and intuitive guesses can often be quite powerful. What feels right? What do you think will happen? When you use your intuition, you draw upon your experience and knowledge in a different way than when you make a rational analysis.
   
   • Listen to your first instinct. Intuition often works best before you've had time to study any details, so pay attention to it, even if you do not act immediately on it.
     
   • Intuition may clue you in to emotional factors and subtle cues that you might otherwise miss. If something feels wrong about a situation or you just don't like somebody, don't ignore it, even if you can't put your finger on the problem.
     
   • Use intuition as a "lead" rather than as a solution. Investigate what might be causing your hunch or gut feeling and dig deeper until you find it.
     
   
   
3. Consider what you already know. Prior knowledge comes from many places. Have you tried something similar before? Do you know how somebody is likely to react? Have you seen something done or could you read about others' experiences with a situation? Could you ask others? Can you try something out or gather data that might suggest what could happen?
   
4. Detect your own bias. People tend to bias their guesses and actions in certain predictable ways. For example, recent events may play a larger role in influencing decisions than they warrant; or, you may be more likely to believe something just because everyone around you believes it. If you think this sort of thing is happening, start looking closely at hard evidence (like facts and numbers) and question your own assumptions. Consult the list of cognitive biases[1] for common presumptions and biases and see if any apply to you.
   
5. Invent hypothetical situations related to your objective. Ask yourself "what if" for various possibilities and imagine possible outcomes, possible courses of events that could result. Especially, think about possible consequences of different courses of action.
   
6. Consider the worst-case scenario. What is the worst thing that could possibly happen? Evaluate the possible risks.
   
   • Is the worst case something you and others could tolerate? Could you clean up a mess, try again later, apologize, lose a bit of money, or cope with criticism or rejection?
     
   • Is the worst case something you could plan for, avoid, or mitigate?
     
   • Is the worst case too risky or too undesirable?
     
   • How likely is the worst case, and how likely is an undesirable outcome?
     
   
   
7. Consider the best-case scenario. What is the best thing that could possibly happen? Evaluate the possible rewards.
   
   • What can you do to bias the outcome towards the best case?
     
   • Where should you set your goals?
     
   • How likely is the best case, and how likely is a desirable outcome?
     
   
   
8. Think of possible actions to take. If you are trying to think ahead, it is probably because you want to decide how to respond to some situation or need, so think of possible responses.
   
9. Evaluate those actions. Based on your experience and knowledge about how such events usually turn out, choose or narrow down which action to take.
   
10. Prepare. Whatever you have to get ready, be it people, equipment, facilities, plans, or simply courage, get it ready.
    
    • Writing can be a powerful tool for preparation. It helps you remember your plans, and it helps you to see them completely. Use a calendar or notebook, checklist, chart, whatever helps you.
      
    
    
11. Try it. Act according to your forecasts and your plans. Then, let life take its course. See what happens. By taking note of the outcome, you will have more experience and knowledge to draw upon the next time you must make a decision such as this one.
    
12. Adjust. As you see what really does transpire, adjust your actions or responses as best you can. You may not have the opportunity to change course after you begin, but if you do have the benefit of new information or results, use them to decide how to modify your actions in the present and in the future.
    

Tips

• The best- and worst-case scenarios help you establish a range of likely possibilities and make plans and decisions accordingly.
  
• Practice. Even when you're not the one planning or forecasting, make predictions and watch what happens. This process will help you refine your predictions.
  
• Brainstorm together with others. Thinking ahead need not be done solo, and you will have the insights and ideas of everybody you consult. Also, ideas often feed other ideas.
  
• Skilled planners are in demand throughout the business world. If you get good at thinking ahead, consider making a career of it.
  
• Inaction is a possible response in many situations, but evaluate its merits and risks, too. It can have benefits (more information may come later or somebody's involvement could harm his or her reputation), but it can also have risks (missed deadlines or opportunities). An in-between approach might be to wait for a little while, perhaps just long enough to learn more.
  
• Be honest with yourself. No amount of wishful thinking is going to stop the next natural disaster, but the realistic admission that one might happen could lead you to prepare appropriately.
  
• Statistics and probability are mathematical ways of analyzing track records. Use them if you need numerical information about how likely an outcome is.
  

Warnings

• Don't get so caught up in thinking ahead that you fail to act. Often, the best thing to do is to try something based on your best guess and see whether it works.
  
• Treat your guesses and plans as just that. No one can foresee every eventuality.

How to Think Before Speaking

from wikiHow

"Even a fool, when he holds his peace, is counted wise: and he that shuts his lips is esteemed a man of understanding."
Proverbs 17:28 American King James Bible
One of the most obvious and significant attributes that sets humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is the ability to communicate through speech. An interesting corollary is that we can also communicate our thoughts in real time; we do not need to plan what we’re going to say before we say it. This has both advantages and disadvantages. It would be clearly undesirable for us to have to formulate our thoughts before we issue an immediate warning ("run!") and communication would be dramatically slowed if we were unable to respond, naturally, to people in normal conversation.
On the other hand, this innate ability is often the source of consternation when what we say on the spur of the moment is something we later wish we had either not said, or said differently; it happens to everyone, sometimes, the trick is to remember when. Typically, this happens when we are responding quickly in stressful situations, or during confrontation, although it can happen at any time. Recognizing that we do not always say what we would like to communicate is an important realization – how to help mitigate that issue is not complex, but does require some behavioral changes. The goal is to be aware of when to talk naturally and fluidly, and when to think before we speak... and when to not speak at all.

Steps

1. Observe yourself: Take note of when this happens to you. What circumstances led to you saying things that, later, you wish you had said differently. Does it happen mostly with one particular person (or group of people)? Is it most often in arguments or debates? Is it when you’re "on the spot" for information? Try to find a pattern. It might be helpful to start a journal of events so you can compare these at your leisure.
   
2. Recognize your situation: After you determine what circumstances might be the most likely to produce this unwanted effect, try to be very observant about when those conditions appear to be manifesting. The more skilled you become at recognizing this, the better you will be at changing your approach.
   
3. Observe the conversation: Now that you know you’re in one of "those" situations, the goal is for you to process information. Often when we respond in a less than appropriate way, it’s because we didn’t fully comprehend what was being said. This is the time to sit back and listen to what’s going on around you. Don’t start focusing on what you’re going to say; just absorb. Your mind will process this information in the background.
   
4. Observe the people: Who is speaking and how do they communicate? Some people are very literal and some people use examples. Some people use a lot of facial expression and body language to augment their conversation whereas others rely on complex verbiage. How people convey information is a very good indicator of how they best absorb information.
   
5. Formulate responses: Not just one, but consider your options. There are many different ways to say things and your goal here is to find the best way to convey what you want to say in a way that has a positive impact. Communication is primarily a function of the recipient so you have to communicate based on the listener.
   
6. Consider the information: Is what you want to say Effective, Necessary, Accurate, Timely, and Appropriate (ENATA)? If you are just responding because other people are talking, then it’s possible your communication doesn’t fit the ENATA model. If not, then sit back and continue to listen. You want what you say to have impact, not just make noise.
   
7. Gauge the reaction: Is the information you’re going to present formulated in a way to make a positive impact. Creating a negative atmosphere will guarantee failure in communications. You want people to understand that you are contributing rather than detracting. It only takes once to ruin your ability to communicate during that time. Identify how the listeners will react.
   
8. Be thoughtful about your tone: How you say it is, in many ways, as important as what you say. Tone of voice can convey enthusiasm and sincerity, or it can rebuff and show sarcasm, and as most people have experienced, what we say can be taken in the wrong way. The most likely reason is that the tone of voice, what was said, body and facial language, as well as content, were not all thoughtfully combined to integrate with the listener’s most effective method of communication.
   
9. Communicate: You now know what you’ll say, why it’s ENATA, how you’ll say it and the most likely reaction. Wait for an appropriate break in the conversation and speak. It’s usually best not to interrupt, although there are occasions when that will work best. When to interrupt is beyond the scope of this document.
   
10. Repeat Step 1: While you’re talking, consider what you’re saying and keep a close watch on the reactions as they emerge. After the conversation is over, review the whole process again in your mind and note what you might have done differently and why. This is an ongoing process. Over time, you will refine and improve – you will become a better communicator and people will accept your responses with a more open mind.
    

Tips

• When you say something you shouldn't have, fix it in your mind to avoid that specific situation in the future.
  
• Make sure your comments are germane to the conversation. Don’t stray from the topic – stay focused.
  
• This will take time – it should become a part of your life. As you get better, you will be regarded as someone whose opinion is valued.
  
• You will often be considered more mysterious by not needing to say every thought that crosses your mind. Eventually, people will come to the conclusion that you know more than you're letting on.
  
• Wait 5 or 10 seconds before responding. This gives you time to formulate a): if a response is required, and b): an appropriate and thoughtful response.
  
• Remember the famous and well-known quote by Abraham Lincoln: "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." If you haven't planned your comments well, give yourself some more time to think.
  

Warnings

• If you do not know what you’re talking about, do not try to be convincing. It’s OK to express an opinion but make sure people know you’re speculating.
  
• If people aren't actually addressing you, they may not want your opinion. Try to tone down how much you force yourself into conversations.