Moving Windmills: The William Kamkwamba story

How to Defuse an Argument

from wikiHow

There is one thing that the majority of us are guilty of, however mild-mannered we are! At some point, most of us have been involved in a flaming row over something or other, and which in retrospect was about something rather unimportant. So, what can we do to defuse an argument, and cool down the anger or frustration in a tense situation? Most importantly, do everything you can to try to avoid the argument in the first place - since most arguments usually don't accomplish anything, and at the end, both parties usually walk away not only upset or angry, but also more convinced of their original point. If an argument is unavoidable however, here are a few simple steps to help!

Steps

1. Try to calm down. Take a deep breath. Count to 10, or 100, if it helps.
   
2. Agree. The quickest way to end any argument is just to simply agree with the other person. If you agree with them, there's no longer any reason to argue and it's over. Even if you don't really agree, just saying so will end most arguments. While this really is lying in its worse fashion, it is at the least, an option.
   
3. Be considerate of the other person. Listen to what the other person is saying, genuinely try to understand their point of view, and do not interrupt them while they are speaking.
   
4. Think before you speak, and consider whether it is something you might regret having said tomorrow! Don't say something stupid or mean just because you are angry and upset.
   
5. Let the other person know that you consider what they say to be important, and that you will treat them with respect whether or not you agree or disagree with them.
   
6. Do not scream at the other person, or speak abusively. Be kind even while you differ, and be willing to be reconciled to them (whether or not you reach an agreement in your argument).
   
7. Remember, the most important thing is not always the specific outcome of the argument, but rather the impact the argument has on your relationship with the other person. It may sometimes be better to forgo the outcome you want, let the other person win and keep the quality of friendship in your relationship.
   
8. Apologize if you have done anything wrong (even if it was only a bad attitude). The other person will be more motivated to apologize if you do.
   
9. If you have done all this and have failed to defuse the argument, walk away for the time being and allow the other person (and yourself) to cool off. The next day, when they have had time to think about the situation , they may change their mind and decide to make up with you!
   
10. If all this doesn't work, however, recognize that some people will not be reasonable or want to make up with you, no matter what you do. In such a case, just drop the matter and go on with your life. It's not important.
    
11. If its an arguement with a friend / family member, Try to tell them to truth,
    

In a high tone. If they dont listen, Just get the hell out of there and wait it out.

Tips

• Try to understand the other person's viewpoint, and think before you speak.
  
• Speaking thoughtlessly can really hurt a person, even if that was not your intention. Speaking reasonably and sensibly, on the other hand, can help the other person to calm down too.
  
• Using the following phrase will stop any person who is arguing with you in their tracks, say it exactly as it is written: "I understand your opinion, and if I were in your place, I would probably feel the same way you do."
  

Warnings

• Some people may just want to pick a fight with someone, or engage in an argument. Recognize when this is the case, and walk away.
  
• Don't be judgemental when engaging in a discussion with someone. Be open-minded and willing to change if necessary.
  
• Don't belittle the other person, or ridicule what they say. Mockery isn't constructive, as they will simply resort to using the same kind of verbal weapons against you!
  
• Don't ever say "Oh, but you are perfect."
  

Things You'll Need

• A cool temper, or something to cool it with (i.e. deep breaths, counting, etc)
  
• A brain
  
• Tact
  
• Love (or some other motive)
  

How to Stay out of an Argument

from wikiHow

From kids to spouses to co-workers, people can and do get angry or upset. Once an argument begins, rarely does anything get accomplished besides both of you becoming more angry. Wouldn't it be great to just stay out of an argument right from the start?

Steps

1. Ask yourself these 4 questions: Is the matter important enough to warrant an argument? Is it appropriate to argue about the matter, or at this time? Can anything be changed, made different by prevailing in the argument? Is the issue worth arguing about? If you get a NO answer to any of these questions, there is no point in arguing. Sometimes realizing there is no benefit to arguing is enough to eliminate the temptation to argue. (A mnemonic for this is "I AM Worth it.")
   
2. If you often argue with a person, plan and practice staying calm. Plan a short conversation, with a specified stopping time. You don't need to tell the other person. Plan to enjoy a reward if you make it through your conversation without falling into an argument. Plan a (mild) punishment if you don't. Go into the conversation focused on your goal of maintaining your composure. Whenever any difficulties arise, remind yourself of your goal and the punishment if you fail to meet your target. Give yourself permission to withdraw early if you feel heat.
   
3. Learn to recognize when a discussion is no longer a discussion, but is escalating to an argument: Raised voices, flushed face or neck, hairs on the back of your neck stand up, feeling defensive. A good mutual discussion involves both sides listening and attempting to understand each other.
   
4. Identify your "buttons". These are the things that typically set you off: someone saying "I hate you!", swear words, slamming doors, obscene gestures, attacking your beliefs, someone rolling their eyes at you, etc.
   
5. Know that others know where to find your buttons. If they really want to win an argument, they'll push 'em, too. When you recognize someone approaching your buttons, think to yourself, "Ah-hah! This is becoming an argument!"
   
6. Say these words in the calmest tone of voice you can muster: "I love", "I care about", or "I respect" you too much to argue with you." If you can, add: "I'll be glad to talk with you when we can both be calm."
   
7. Prepare yourself for weird looks (the same ones they usually give you behind your back) and another attempt to keep the arguing going... like "That's not true!" or "Well, I don't love you."
   
8. Repeat step 4.
   
9. Try not to listen too much to the content of what they're saying back to you. Remember, they're TRYING to push your buttons. They may even say something like "You're so stupid you can only come up with that to say."
   
10. Continue repeating step 4 until the other person walks away or shuts up.
    
11. If warranted, when both of you ARE calm, ask if this is a good time to finish your discussion.

Tips

• It takes two or more to argue. By politely refusing to argue, you stay out of it.
  
• Be prepared to repeat step 4 again and again whenever it becomes necessary. Before long, people won't even try to argue with you, or push your buttons.
  
• Be adult enough to apologize when necessary.
  
• You may choose other phrases to use, like "You know, I really don't want to argue with you. Let's discuss it later when we've calmed down." or simply, "Not gonna' argue with you."
  
• In order for this to work, you MUST remain calm, cool and collected.
  
• Determine some activities you'll do to help you to remain calm: yoga, going for walks, listening to music, praying, etc.
  
• You've heard the addage, "project what you expect." Well, when we remain calm and refuse to argue, we're showing others how to do the same thing, preventing future arguments from even beginning.

Warnings

• DON'T use this to squelch all conversation. If a topic needs discussion, do it. You might initiate the conversation this way: "I could see we weren't accomplishing much earlier. Is this a good time to finish our discussion?"
  
• Don't respond to the content of their remarks. The less you say, the less likely you are to get drawn into an argument.
  
• If you become angry, know that you won't be able to think calmly, and you'll probably say or do something you might regret. Words, once spoken, can never be taken back. You might sincerely apologize, but it doesn't erase the memory. Think before you speak.
  
• DON'T laugh. When you see this working, you may be tempted to smile or laugh at the excitement of finally finding something that works. Don't do it. This'll just irritate the person and make it worse. Wait until you're alone, then enjoy the moment.
  

Things You'll Need

• Your wits.
  
• A calm demeanor.
  
• A willingness to do the right thing.